Emotional Suppression: Why Holding It All In Costs More Than You Think

Emotional suppression is the conscious holding back of the outward signs of a feeling while you are still feeling it. Researchers call it expressive suppression and define it as the attempt to hide, inhibit or reduce ongoing emotional expression. You hide the tears, steady your voice and keep your face neutral.

The feeling itself stays. Suppression changes what other people see, and what you feel stays as it was.

People suppress in different ways. Some hide the expression of a feeling, some try to push the feeling itself away, and some try not to think about whatever caused it. Many people do all three at once.

Suppression vs repression: what is the difference?

People often use these two words as though they mean the same thing. They do not.

Suppression is deliberate. You know you are angry or sad, and you decide to keep it in.

Repression is the term for feelings or memories that are pushed out of awareness without a conscious decision. You may not know the feeling is there at all.

This article deals with suppression, the everyday habit of holding it in. Because you can see this habit, you can also change it.

Nobody decides one day to stop showing emotion. We learn it early, and at the time it usually made sense.

In some homes, tears were met with "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about." Anger was dangerous and sadness was an inconvenience, so a child learned quickly which feelings were safe to show.

Hard beginnings play a part as well. Research links adverse childhood experiences and poverty with a weaker ability to regulate emotion later in life, and social exclusion on top of childhood trauma makes suppression more likely.

Culture matters too. Studies find that people in collectivist cultures, where the harmony of the group comes first, tend to use suppression more than people in individualistic cultures do.

Roles reinforce the habit. Work, leadership, ministry and parenting all reward the person who keeps it together. At times that is exactly what is needed. The trouble starts when it becomes your only option.

Suppression usually began as protection. Respect that before you try to change it.

Psychologist James Gross (1998) developed the process model of emotion regulation, which remains the most widely used framework in the field. It describes several ways of managing a feeling, and two of them have been studied more than the rest.

Cognitive reappraisal works early. You change how you read a situation before the emotion has fully developed. "My boss was short with me" becomes "she has a board meeting today, so this is probably not about me."

Expressive suppression works late. The emotion has already arrived, and you clamp down on showing it.

Reappraisal changes the story. Suppression puts a lid on the pot while the stove is still on. The table below sets out how the research compares the two.

Reappraisal asks you to see a situation as accurately as you can, so that what you feel fits what is really happening. It is a skill, and like any skill it can be learned.

Suppression is easy to miss because, from the inside, it feels like coping. These are the signs to look for:

• You say "I'm fine" before you have checked whether it is true
• You struggle to name what you feel beyond "stressed" or "tired"
• You feel flat or numb, including about things you used to enjoy
• Small things irritate you, or anger arrives from nowhere
• You stay busy so that there is no quiet moment in which to feel anything
• You reach for a drink, your phone, food or work to take the edge off
• Your jaw, shoulders or stomach hold tension, and you sleep poorly
• People close to you say they cannot reach you or do not know what you are thinking
• You feel ashamed or weak whenever emotion slips out

Any one of these means little on its own. Several together deserve to be taken seriously.

Holding a feeling in can work for an afternoon. As a way of living, the effects of suppressing emotions are well documented.

In your body

When you suppress an emotion, your body does not receive the message that the situation is under control. Studies show that the stress side of the nervous system stays more active during suppression, and that the effort of holding back shows up in the heart rate. Your face may look calm while your body carries on with the work underneath.

In your mind

People who suppress habitually report more negative feelings from day to day, fewer positive ones, and higher rates of anxiety and depression. The cost reaches further than the painful feelings. In one small study (Kelley et al., 2018), people who suppressed more showed weaker anticipation of reward in their brain activity, and suppression predicted lower psychological wellbeing two and a half years later.

You cannot switch off only the painful feelings. When you turn the volume down on one, joy, excitement and closeness tend to go quieter as well. If worry is part of your picture, our article on managing anxiety may help.

In your relationships

Emotions are how people read one another. When yours stay hidden, the people closest to you are left to guess. A partner may feel shut out. Children may sense that something is wrong without knowing what. Over time the gap between what you feel and what you show wears away trust, and the isolation that follows makes it harder to find support when you need it most. Mindful communication and setting healthy boundaries both become easier once feelings are allowed into the conversation.

In guilt and shame

Suppression is closely tied to shame. In a study of medical staff, expressive suppression was linked with stronger guilt, shame and a sense of being punished, which are symptoms of moral injury. When feelings are treated as something to hide, it is a short step to believing that you are something to hide.

Emotional suppression affects everyone, but many men are taught it as a rule of manhood. "Boys don't cry." "Man up." "Moenie huil nie." The message is that a real man is strong, self-reliant and in control, and that showing hurt or fear is weakness.

Research with young South African men describes the same pattern in local terms. A qualitative study of young men in rural areas and urban informal settlements shows how the isiZulu values of ukuzimela (self-reliance) and ukuzithiba (self-control) shape the way men handle emotion. Both values carry real dignity. When they are lived out as "never show that you are struggling", however, they make it very hard for a man to admit that he needs help.

The consequences are serious. Men who hold strongly to traditional masculine norms are less likely to talk about mental health struggles, and many avoid professional help because they fear being seen as weak. A narrative review in the Journal of Men's Health cites research (Ngwenya & Sumbane, 2023) showing that men account for nearly 80% of suicide cases in South Africa. Other South African research links difficulty regulating emotion in men with intimate partner violence.

All of this sits in a country where about 30% of adults will experience a mental disorder at some point in their lives, according to the South African Stress and Health study of 2003 to 2004, and where only around 5% of the health budget goes to mental health.

There is encouraging news as well. Research notes that younger South African men are becoming more open about emotions and mental health. The idea of strength is slowly widening to include the courage to say "I'm not okay."

Suppression is a habit, and habits can be reshaped. At Restoring Wholeness we use a six-step model for habit change, drawn from Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit and James Clear's Atomic Habits: Notice, Understand, Replace, Redesign, Build small and Become. It fits emotional suppression well.

1. Notice

You cannot change what you cannot see, so start by catching the moment you shut down. The body often knows first: a tight jaw, a held breath, a clenched hand. When you notice it, pause and name the feeling as precisely as you can. "Frustrated and a little embarrassed" tells you far more than "fine".

2. Understand

Ask what the suppression is protecting you from. It might be rejection, conflict, looking weak or losing control. Then ask where you learned the rule. "Do not show it" probably made sense at some point. It may no longer fit the life you have now.

3. Replace

Instead of clamping down, try reappraisal. Ask yourself what else this could mean and how it will look in a week. Then give the feeling a safe outlet in place of no outlet at all. One honest sentence is enough: "I am not great today. Can I tell you about it tonight?"

4. Redesign

Make honesty easier and numbing harder. Choose one or two safe people. Set aside a regular time to talk, or a few minutes to write things down. Notice what you reach for to avoid feeling, whether it is a drink, your phone or an extra hour at work, and put some distance between you and it.

5. Build small

You do not need to pour everything out at once. Start with something manageable, such as a daily check-in with your partner or naming one feeling at the end of each day. Small steps repeated daily change habits more reliably than large resolutions, as our article on how small changes can support your mental health explains.

6. Become

Over time you begin to see yourself differently: "I am someone who can feel things and still stay steady." Many men find it helps to link this to the roles that matter most to them. Being emotionally present is part of being a good husband, father, friend or leader, and it takes nothing away from your strength.

Holding your feelings back is sometimes the wise choice, for example when you need to get through a crisis at work or stay calm for a frightened child. Healthy emotion regulation is flexible. The difficulty arises when suppression is the only tool you have.

If holding it in has become deeply ingrained, speaking to someone trained to help makes the process safer and faster. These approaches have good evidence behind them:

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) teaches reappraisal and replaces suppression with more helpful ways of thinking.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) treats emotional difficulty as normal and ties your coping to what you value.

Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) works directly with shame and self-criticism.

Motivational interviewing helps when opening up feels threatening.

Group therapy is often especially helpful for men, because hearing other men speak honestly breaks the stigma.

Research on engaging men in psychological treatment points to what works: clear goals, a collaborative and practical style, skills you can use straight away, and gradual work on emotional awareness, all linked to the roles that matter in your life, such as partner, father or work.

In my own practice at Restoring Wholeness I draw on CBT and REBT within a holistic approach that cares for body, mind and spirit. Sessions are short-term, practical and goal-focused. I see clients in person in Edgemead, Cape Town, and online across South Africa, including after-hours. If you are unsure whether you need a counsellor, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, read our guide on who you need to see. You can also view the session fees or read more about wellness counselling.

Your feelings are information. They tell you what matters to you, what hurts and what you need. Holding them in may have helped you to survive, and letting them out safely and a little at a time is how you begin to live more fully.

You do not have to do it all at once, and you do not have to do it alone.